2 month appointment

We had Gibson's two month appointment today and all was good (except for the shots... I hate hearing him cry like that!).  He was 13.02 pounds (75th percentile), 23 1/2" long (75th percentile) and head circumference was 15 1/2" which is only the 45th percentile... it's proportioned to his body though so I don't get that one.  All in all a good day!

Gibson is 2 months old!

Meet Jana and her little girl Presley.  Presley was born about 9 hours before Gibson on June 29th.  We were both due June 28th!  Happy 2 months Gibson and Presley!

He just loves his Grams!

Already a little flirt... I'm going to have my hands full with him!

Isn't he adorable?!  I'm biased I know...

Mom, its hot, will you take me inside now?

Thank you to everyone for your prayers and concerns.  I really appreciate all the support I have received... I am truly blessed to have such wonderful friends and family to help me through this!  I came to a conclusion tonight after interesting conversations and situations... I am moving on.  I will stop fighting.  I will stop looking for ways to make him realize what he has done to us.  Its done, now for the sake of Gibson, we have to move on.  I said it before, but I still wasn't quite ready to accept it.  I created drama and lowered myself to his level and I won't do it anymore.  Its time for me to grow up and play the hand that has been dealt to me rather than continue fighting for a reshuffle.  Since Danny is not talking to me and apparently has read the blog recently, I guess my goodbye will have to be a very public one.  So...

 Danny, if you read this, goodbye.  Thank you for the two years we had together, the 7 months of marraige and our beautiful son.  I was so happy and know I will be again.  I hope that you will learn to love and respect yourself again so that you can truly be happy.  And if that means being with Holley, then I wish you both the very best.

God does answer prayers!

Well, Gibson has been fussy for a few days now and last night, he had a hard BM.  I called the nurse service and answered all their questions.  Basically because of the fussiness affecting his sleep, they wanted to see him within 24 hours... How was I going to do that with the first day of school?  I called Danny to let him know what was going on and I was really scared because my mind does tend to go automatically to dark places.  He didn't answer and I left a voicemail and he called back within 2 minutes.  I wanted him to take Gibbs to the doctor.  We coordinated it where he got off an hour early and met me at the house to take care of Gibson and I wouldn't have to take him to day care and Danny wouldn't have to drive to Irving to pick him up. 

Working through my book, last night I was really upset.  I have all these questions and I let him know.  He didn't answer anything until this morning after I had left, he started to explain a little bit.  Then I was at school, he was taking care of Gibson so we didn't talk unless we had to the rest of the day.  Gibson is fine, just a little constipated and the doctor prescribed prune juice.  When I got home, Danny and Gibson were not here, they had run to the store and I was fully prepared for him to drop Gibson off and go on his way.  He stayed.  For a couple hours.  We had some really good talks and finally got to a place where we both agree we should try to be friends.  He realized the mistakes and time he was losing with Gibson and actually apologized for the past few weeks because he knows he didn't handle things the best way.  I didn't either, I should have respected his need for space and time to think, but I didn't.  We both messed up and we may never get it back and that will be okay.  I need him as a friend.  He was my best friend and it has been so hard not to turn to him for support since he was the one causing the pain.  But we will be better parents to Gibson if we can be friends.  And so I feel good tonight.  I am glad that we are getting to a point where we can really talk without getting angry and causing even more hurt.  Gibson deserves at least that from us.  And speaking of that sweet little boy... here are some of my favorite pics from the past 7 1/2 weeks.  He is the one thing we did right and we should celebrate that!

Taking him home from the hospital!

Bringing him home...

First bath!

Gibson's first mail... his social security card!

The swing that saved Mommy's sanity when he got a little fussy at night while Daddy was at work!

He loves his Daddy!

Its fuzzy but he is so cute... just a talking!

Also taken with a phone.... apparently the Evo is alot better than the Blackberry...

I am He-man!  The onsie also said Heavy Weight!

Papa and Gibson nap time... so sweet!

That's all for now... we love our son, Gibson!  We are blessed to be your parents!

One more day, then the madness begins!

I didn't want to post it last night, but I had an idea on the way home.  Danny and  I need to learn to get along for Gibson and the sooner that can happen the better it will be.  So I invited him to come to church with us, and then come over for lunch and to spend time with Gibson.  He said to let him know when we got home from church so i didnt hold my breath.  He showed up!  Yay!  He fed and held Gibson, ate spaghetti and put Gibbs down for a nap.  We were civil, nice even.  He does seem truly sorry for all that has happened which leaves me torn.  If you are truly sorry, then you must care a little bit and if there is a little bit left then isn't it worth trying to work on us?  Then again, it makes me so sad, cause with that little care, and showing that he is sorry and still honestly doesn't want to try, that means he really doesn't love me anymore.  Guess I should just live by my dad's new motto for me... hope for the best, and prepare for the worst. 

Whatever happens, I am hoping we can make this a weekly thing before he goes to Basic.  That way we will have some good memories before he leaves and he won't just have the horrible recent past to think about when or if he thinks of me.  I am trying so hard to stay positive, but I am having to pray constantly for strength.  Thank you to everyone for your prayers and support!  I can feel God's presence and I am incredibly blessed!

One day at a time...

Honestly, I didn't think I would be updating this anytime soon.  But there is something so therapeutic about writing out your thoughts and sending themm into the great unknown. 

Today was a good day.  We got up early (on the weekend before school starts... cardinal sin, I know!) and drove to Sherman where my dad and my brother did my brakes, washed the inside and outside of my car and filled it up with gas.  Just little things like that mean so much.  Until 3 weeks ago, Danny did them and apparently I never expressed my appreciation of everything he did and how proud and in love with him I was.  It is so frustrating to have him already make up his mind without giving me the chance to make it right.  But I digress... we played with Gibson.  He is getting so big!  Holding his head up on his own for the most part and struggling desperately to find his thumb!  Our pediatrician does a 2 week and a 2 month appointment so he hasn't been weighed in forever.  I feel so stupid when people ask and I have to say I don't know.  I knew he was getting big though and was beginning to wonder when the size 1 diapers are starting to be a bit snug.  So my mom, the lightest of us all and therefore the most accurate on the scale, took Gibson to the scales... the boy is about 13 pounds!  He won't be 2 months old for another 9 days!  He isn't too chubby and doesn't always finish his bottle so I guess that's okay.  I will find out on the 31st at his appointment I guess.  I am so proud of him.  He is such a sweet boy and has adjusted so well to daycare.  It was so hard to take him!  I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom and unless Danny was deployed, this would have been my last year teaching.  I guess you just have to keep moving on.  My friend Kimi gave me a wonderful book that I am working my way through now.  It is called The Heartache No One Sees by Sheila Walsh.  For those of you who don't know, I have struggled with depression in the past.  It is by the grace of God  that I have not crawled under a rock and stayed there.  This time, God has allowed me to see all the wonderful people I have in my life and to truly feel their love and support.  I am so thankful.  It is what has given me the strength to get up everyday to take care of myself and Gibson. 

Before Danny told me that there was nothing I could do, he wouldn't go to counseling, wouldn't even consider coming home, that it was definitely over, I ordered The Love Dare.  When Danny and I first started dating, we saw the movie Fireproof.  My faith was pretty weak at the time, I dismissed alot of it because I didn't see the relevance... we had been together maybe 2 months.  Looking back now, I wish I had paid more attention.  I wish we had put God first in our relationship.  But the past is just that, the past.  You cannot change it and you can't take things back.  All you can do is learn from those mistakes, forgive and move on.  I still hope and pray that God will open Danny's eyes to the life we would have had together and give him the strength and energy we will need to work it out.  Gibson deserves to have parents that love each other and are happy together.  I know that it may not work out, but I at least want the chance to try and exhaust all resources and options.  I may not get that chance and I know that.  I will move on.  I will raise Gibson and teach those precious kiddos as much as I can, but I will leave my heart open for Danny and pray that somehow God will speak to him and Danny will listen. 

I am sorry to have to say this.   Danny and I had a face to face conversation last night and he has decided to file for divorce.   I love him and wish him all the best.  I hope this new attempt at a family will make him happy.

Prayers needed!!!!

I've struggled with whether to post this.  I've written it, deleted it, written again, saved the draft, and I think I have to just post it.  So I don't want to get into details cause I don't really feel comfortable airing all of my personal info out there for the world to see, but I need as much prayer as I can get.  Let me start off by saying that physically, we are all fine.  We are all healthy.  I love my husband and my son dearly and until almost 2 weeks ago, I was completely, blissfully (and apparently obliviously) happy.  Our family may not be a family much longer and I am devastated.  I am holding on with blind faith that somehow we will make it through this.  I love him so much and am lost as to what to do.  All I know I can do is go on living life and taking care of precious Gibson as best I can and trying to shield him from this pain.  It is so hard not to be angry and bitter.  I dont have a reason and none of this makes any sense to me.  I have received endless support from family and friends... I am truly lucky to have all of you in my life!  I love my husband and I desperately want it to work out... I want our family, our life we had planned... I want to grow old with him!  Please pray for my family!!!