Saturday, August 21, 2010

One day at a time...

Honestly, I didn't think I would be updating this anytime soon.  But there is something so therapeutic about writing out your thoughts and sending themm into the great unknown. 

Today was a good day.  We got up early (on the weekend before school starts... cardinal sin, I know!) and drove to Sherman where my dad and my brother did my brakes, washed the inside and outside of my car and filled it up with gas.  Just little things like that mean so much.  Until 3 weeks ago, Danny did them and apparently I never expressed my appreciation of everything he did and how proud and in love with him I was.  It is so frustrating to have him already make up his mind without giving me the chance to make it right.  But I digress... we played with Gibson.  He is getting so big!  Holding his head up on his own for the most part and struggling desperately to find his thumb!  Our pediatrician does a 2 week and a 2 month appointment so he hasn't been weighed in forever.  I feel so stupid when people ask and I have to say I don't know.  I knew he was getting big though and was beginning to wonder when the size 1 diapers are starting to be a bit snug.  So my mom, the lightest of us all and therefore the most accurate on the scale, took Gibson to the scales... the boy is about 13 pounds!  He won't be 2 months old for another 9 days!  He isn't too chubby and doesn't always finish his bottle so I guess that's okay.  I will find out on the 31st at his appointment I guess.  I am so proud of him.  He is such a sweet boy and has adjusted so well to daycare.  It was so hard to take him!  I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom and unless Danny was deployed, this would have been my last year teaching.  I guess you just have to keep moving on.  My friend Kimi gave me a wonderful book that I am working my way through now.  It is called The Heartache No One Sees by Sheila Walsh.  For those of you who don't know, I have struggled with depression in the past.  It is by the grace of God  that I have not crawled under a rock and stayed there.  This time, God has allowed me to see all the wonderful people I have in my life and to truly feel their love and support.  I am so thankful.  It is what has given me the strength to get up everyday to take care of myself and Gibson. 

Before Danny told me that there was nothing I could do, he wouldn't go to counseling, wouldn't even consider coming home, that it was definitely over, I ordered The Love Dare.  When Danny and I first started dating, we saw the movie Fireproof.  My faith was pretty weak at the time, I dismissed alot of it because I didn't see the relevance... we had been together maybe 2 months.  Looking back now, I wish I had paid more attention.  I wish we had put God first in our relationship.  But the past is just that, the past.  You cannot change it and you can't take things back.  All you can do is learn from those mistakes, forgive and move on.  I still hope and pray that God will open Danny's eyes to the life we would have had together and give him the strength and energy we will need to work it out.  Gibson deserves to have parents that love each other and are happy together.  I know that it may not work out, but I at least want the chance to try and exhaust all resources and options.  I may not get that chance and I know that.  I will move on.  I will raise Gibson and teach those precious kiddos as much as I can, but I will leave my heart open for Danny and pray that somehow God will speak to him and Danny will listen. 

1 comment:

  1. Wow! You are such a strong person Amber Nicole! I am praying for you daily. Thank you so much for sharing this hard time with the rest of us. Your courage and strength is a real testimony to me. What a wonderful blessing to have Gibson and to be able to share your full and hopeful future with him.