Friday, November 20, 2009

kinda lost at the moment

I just got a very disturbing phone call and I don't know how to even process the information given to me.  This is not making my already bad day any better. 

Ok, first off, I have mentioned that I do have thyroid issues.  In 2004, I was diagnosed with Grave's disease.  This means I had a hyperthyroid problem, too much thyroid production.  This explained my high anxiety, my withdrawl from people I know and love, my extremely rapid heartbeat (my resting heartrate was about 120 bpm), my excessive sweating, basically on a list of about 20 symptoms, I had 19.  The only one I didn't have was unexplained weight loss.  I went through therapy and a radioactive iodine treatment which essentially killed my thyroid.  I have been on thyroid replacement medication ever since.  Except of course when I did not have health insurance and could not afford the blood tests or doctors visits.  The symptoms of hypothyroid would show up, but I knew what was causing it so it didn't bother me and I coped.  Well, I lost my health insurance in January when I separated from Dallas ISD and because I was only making $12 an hour at the Hilton, I could not afford the COBRA I was offered if I were going to continue to pay my car payment, house payment and other bills.  So I went without.  When I got health insurance again, I didn't immediately go to the thyroid doctor because the preexisting condition clause and honestly, I felt fine.  Apparently I'm not fine.

My thyroid doctor called me this afternoon and told me that my thyroid level came back and she has never seen a person living with levels as low as mine.  Basically after saying that she doesn't know how we got pregnant to begin with because my ovaries should not have been functioning, she tells me over the phone as I am driving down the road, that although I am excited about my pregnancy, I should seriously think about it.  How am I supposed to respond to that?  I didn't know what to say so I basically said, um ok, and hung up.  When I first got home, I was so upset.  Basically my child could have major developmental delays, and its completely my fault.  Then these other thoughts, plus the wonderfully supportive man I marry in 29 days came home to comfort me and reassure me and remind me that no matter what should have been happening in my body, it was functioning.  My ovaries were producing, we did get pregnant.  The egg traveled down and attach itself to my uterus.  Its heart is beating.  I have seen its growth.  I have felt the glorious pregnancy symptoms.  Danny and I have no reason to believe that this baby will be anything but healthy.

Now the anger is setting in.  How dare this woman after one blood test and one 15 minute conversation tell me over the phone no less that I should consider terminating my pregnancy!  Granted she did not actually say that, but she implied it.  Seriously... telling a person who is extremely hormonal while they are driving that they may have hurt their baby unintentionally, that it may be extremely harmed and that its your fault and you should basically consider ending its precious life before it even begins.  My baby is still technically an embryo, my placenta is not even formed yet.  I am pro-choice, I understand that not everyone is meant to be a parent and there are many valid reasons to terminate a pregnancy.  However, I personally could never do that.  I'm a special education teacher... these are the children that I advocate for everyday.  They are my passion.  The very idea that a doctor would suggest that I do anything but continue to protect and keep my baby as healthy as possible now that I know that I am pregnant and extremely hypothyroid by taking my medication and keeping tabs on my levels, etc is upsetting to me.  I do appreciate the doctor's candor and frankness about the risks; however, the incredibly unprofessional way in which she told me irks me.  She should have called me and Danny into her office to sit us down and calmly tell us the results, the risks, and the options. 

We will be calling my ob/gyn on Monday to request another endocrinologist.  I want a second opinion!

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